The Moon, hereafter known as The Doritos Close Orbit Celestial Body

I walked by this ad the other day:

Not this exact one, mind you, as my corner of the planet is civilized enough to bury our electric lines, thankyouverymuch, but one much like it.

My initial reaction? Cool — finally, Chairface Chippendale will see his vision realized (feel free to watch the whole episode if you have time).

My second reaction? Why on earth would that have been my first reaction when, clearly, my third reaction paying homage to Tyler Durden for his observations on space colonization: has so much more moxie: “When deep space exploration ramps up, it’ll be the corporations that name everything, the IBM Stellar Sphere, the Microsoft Galaxy, Planet Starbucks.”

Skipping forward, my fourth reaction: what the hell is this?

The campaign to broadcast the first ever advertisement into space is launched March 7 with University of Leicester space scientists playing a key part in the process.

The British public is being asked to shoot a 30-second ad about what they perceive life on earth to be as part of Doritos ‘You Make It, We Play It’ user-generated-content campaign. The winning advert in the competition will be beamed past the earth’s atmosphere, beyond our solar system and into the Universe, to anyone ‘out there’ that may be watching. The winning ad will also be broadcast on terrestrial TV.

Feel encouraged to read the whole thing, but don’t feel compelled to. It bascially boils down to this: a vast amount of technology is going to be applied to encoding content submitted by Joey Sixpack and friends and voted on by The Popularity Cartel before being beamed out into the furthest reaches of space in hopes that some alien intelligence will find it, decypher it and come to understand us Earthlings well enough to devote resources enough to cross 42 light years to come see who sent it.

And, see, trying to find something to be snarky about without having to degenerate to actually being serious about this is, as a friend once described having a brain tumor removed, like picking dried bubble gum out of a sweater.

My points on the matter:

  1. Jokes about Doritos and their appeal to illegal aliens are cheap, easy to come by and tasteless. Being clever by saying that, ironically, these three traits are shared by Doritos themselves, is totally clever. If you’re a high school journalist.
  2. Please, please, please… let moving to Mars be a reason to *not* be plagued by advertisements for cheap, carbo-overloaded, nutrient deficient crap. At least let prospective Martians aspire to the nutritional standards of the astronauts of the 60’s.
  3. I’m reasonably sure I’ll be dead in the time it takes radio waves (or even laser beams) to travel 42 light years and elicit a response. Anyone that thinks they might a) still be around if anyone on the receiving end hears, b) respond and c) arrive here in a timely manner, consider encouraging Frito Lay to ixnay on the arfay okesjay.

Yeah, I had more but kinda lost my steam there. Feel free to add amendments.


One Response to “The Moon, hereafter known as The Doritos Close Orbit Celestial Body”

  1. hangingcurve Says:

    Oh Chairface Chipendale – he was one classy villain. My favorite however has to be The Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight (Yeah baby!), but my favorite episode is when they have to go down into the sewers, and the deeper into the sewers they get, the more amazing and smart and cool Sewer Urchin becomes!

    Oh, um moon, right… seems like you’d hear about this from someone else. I don’t know why – I mean – moon/cheese/doritos, I get it, but I would think someone that’s already known for outrageous marketing ploys would be pulling this stunt – like NIKE. I have no argument to back it up, just a feeling of “Doritos will be first lunar advertising? That’s like Doctor Scholls or something.”

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